Reaper's concert
by Michael McDoesn'texist
Summary: "Music is universal. Everybody and everything can understand it. That's the beauty of it!" Reaper said softly while on stage.


_**Wow. This is really stupid...**_

* * *

Reaper felt like making some music all of the sudden. So he went to Lúcio's room to steal one of his instruments. But as soon as he entered, a turret came out of the floor and shot a rocket in his ugly mug. His body was flung back into the hallway where it splattered all over the wall. Lucky for ol' Reaps, Mercy happened to be nearby and she revived him.

"Shit Reaper. Looks like you're... facing some problems!" Mercy said.

Before she realised that she had unconsciously made an atrocious pun, Reaper had already grabbed her by the collar and thrown her into Lúcio's room, where she was brutally murdered by multiple machine guns that were deployed from the walls. Reaper then retrieved her body and revived her. After all they needed their doctor. Who else were they going to mastu... I mean get healed by? The asian chick? Lol, hell no.

"Ok, I deserved that." Mercy said. "But what the hell were you trying to do in Lúcio's room anyway? You're not gay for him are you?"

"Girl, shut yo bitch-ass up!" Reaper replied. "I just had the most awesome idea about fifteen minutes ago! I'm going to start making music!"

"Lemme guess: death metal." Mercy said.

"No."

"Hard rock?"

"No."

"Some gothic stuff?"

"Ugh... no."

"Electro swing?"

"Good one, but no."

"Dubstep?"

Reaper then grabbed Mercy by her neck and smashed her against the wall.

"OK OK I GET IT!" She yelled before Reaper blew her face off with his shotgun. "But then what the hell kind of music ARE you going to produce?" Mercy asked.

"Christian western."

"..."

"What?"

"You're shitting me..." Mercy said.

"No, not at all. Ok, that's a lie..."

* * *

 _One day earlier_

* * *

Reaper was taking a shit on the toilet. Usually he just took a crap on the street without even wiping his ass, but because that led to dingleberries, he decided it was better to go to the bathroom for once. He moaned and pushed like a motherfucker: this was one persistent shit.

"C-Come on *urgh...*" He said and squinted his eyes. But then, when he felt like something finally came out:

"OUCH" He roared as his anus ripped and a fucking head came out of his butt!

At that moment, Junkrat strolled into the bathroom and he heard all the moaning inside one of the cabins.

"G'day whoeva's there!" He said. "Everythin's all nice and dandy in there?"

Then, Reaper jumped out of the cabin, with his cock and ass completely exposed. He was sweating like a pig and he was still squinting. He was in agonising pain.

"Bloody hell!" Junkrat said. "Whatcha got comin' out of your ass mate?"

"I-I don't... urgh... know! Just help me! Get Mercy! Or ANYONE really! No, wait, in fact, get Mei for me!"

Mei just so happened to walk by and, without looking inside, she asked: "What's the matter?"

"JUST PLEASE COME IN AND HELP ME!" Reaper roared. Mei peeked her head around the door and was instantly shot in the face by Reaper.

"*huff* She was alive for far too long already this story..." He said.

Meanwhile, Junkrat had started pulling the head out by it's hair. "Don' worry ol' bugger! I'll get this parasite out of you!"

"UAAARGH!" Reaper yelled as Junkrat kept pulling and pulling.

And then, with an almost cartoony plopping sound, the entire body was pulled out of Reaper's ass. Junkrat flew against the wall and Reaper let out a sigh of relief. Panting, he turned around and looked who was crammed in his butt this whole time. It took a while to see, because the person was kind of covered in shit, but eventually he recognised "Mercy?"

The Doctor was lying on the ground with her eyes wide open.

"Zhat... was... AWESOME!" She yelled. "Finally I got to see a human body work FROM ZHE INSIDE!" She got up and pulled out a notebook. She scribbled something down and when she was satisfied she left the bathroom, leaving Reaper and Junkrat behind with astonished expression on their faces. She didn't even tell them how the fuck she got inside the body of a full grown adult. Then Reinhardt came in and asked: "Anyone need more toiletpaper?"

* * *

 _Back to present day_

* * *

"Yeah, good times!" Mercy said and she smiled. Reaper didn't really react to her and he continued:

"Did I ever tell you about a friend of mine? A totally tubular dude named Jesus Christ."

"N-no you haven't..." Mercy replied. "What about him?"

Reaper then proceeded to throw Mercy on the floor, pull a banjo out of his ass and started singing:

" _Theeeeeeere_

 _once was this fella called Jesus_

 _YIHA_

 _Who worked while covered in feces_

 _KAYAY_

 _The Romans crucified his ass_

 _JAHOO_

 _Instead of killing him with gas_

 _WOOHOO"_

At that point the entire team came into the hallway and attacked Reaper. They took away his banjo, broke it on his head, then raped him viciously in his mouth, ass, belly button, ears, nostrils and between his toes just for good measure.

After that little thing happened, they dragged him outside where they crucified him. Most of the team went back inside to just do their business as usual. However, Soulja: 76, Orisa, Pharah, and Zarya stayed to watch Reaper on his cross. At some point Mei came outside to have a look, but as soon as she set one foot outside, Soldier tackled her and half an hour later, she was hanging on a cross as well. Because let's be honest, Mei dying only once isn't good enough. Lil' bitch.

* * *

 ** _So kids, what have we learned? That people can litterally fit inside eachother perfectly, with no bad consequences what so ever._**


End file.
